howdy and a happy 2008...
to the handful of people still checking in here from time to time. How were your holidays? Wonderful I hope. Ours started out a little bumpy with the hospital stay, but it all evened out and we ended up having a great time. We missed seeing some family, but we'll be catching up them at the end of the month.
I would love to say that I'm back in the swing of things but that is completely not the case. Hanging there? Absolutely. Merrily rolling along? Hardly. I have a love/hate relationship with the month of January. I love it because it's my birthday month (it was back on the sixth. Happy birthday to me!! I'm 33!) and hate it because of the anxiety I cause myself with the guilt of my disorganization and procrastination...for instance: I've had a package to send off to a friend for MONTHS now...just when I think I'll be able to mail it, I think, "oh, wait I have that other thing to tuck in and then I'll send it." and the box continues to sit. At this point the box contains her birthday gift, and miscellaneous bits and bobs, Halloween stuff AND Christmas stuff. My procrastination knows no bounds.
When Caleb went into the hospital I hit a bit of a tail spin. I was taken aback by the entire thing. We knew Caleb had asthma, but it was VERY mild and one little breathing treatment always fixed his problem. We had no idea that a severe asthma attack was even a remote possibility or that a freaking cold could trigger that severe asthma attack. That was pure STUPIDITY on our part. We couldn't get in to see Caleb's allergist/asthma specialist until after the first of the year so I drove myself insane googling asthma related information while we waited for the second to roll around. All the not knowing was driving me bonkers. I had nightmares every night. I was up checking on him three and four times a night. I've never had a panic attack in my life and I'm pretty sure I had one during this period. I'd like to avoid having another one if at all possible. Once I had a chance to sit down with the specialist and ask all my questions and get all my answers a weight was lifted. Seriously...when I left his office I could breathe again. We now have an action plan. I know what to look for and I know how to try to fix it. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
I have been a severe rut the last few weeks...honestly, a depression. I'm sure it was spurred by all the stress and worry about Caleb. I had a hard time thinking of much else while we waited to find out what needed to be done for Caleb...my email has fallen so far behind it's overwhelming to look at (hello guilt); the ornament swap is still sitting waiting to be sorted (GUILT! and I am so sorry to all my swappers! I'm working on goodies packs right now so hang in there!); and I have special order jewelry sitting incomplete on my bench (more guilt). Add to this the mountains of shit piled up in my office, on my sewing table, on the sofa in my bedroom and voilà! depression soup. I've been going to bed early, not sleeping well through the night, waking up in the morning has been SO hard...as in my eyes do not want to stay open hard, worrying about Caleb, making no art, taking it out on my kids. It's really been a shitty couple of weeks. HOWEVER, in the last few days I've felt the fog lifting. Yesterday the boys and I sat down and drew snowmen for our thank you notes. I scanned, vectorized, designed, printed and compiled the thank you notes last night. I have to tell you, these little collaborations we do for our thank you notes make me so happy.
Last night at bedtime reality slapped me in the face too...that always helps me to snap out of it. Lynn was at RCIA so I was putting the kids to bed solo and the boys were not cooperating AT ALL. This is relatively rare...they're usually pretty good about bed time procedure. But not last night. My wit's end had long been reached and I couldn't take it anymore. I marched them both into their room, yelled at them for the various things that were making my angry, said prayers and refused to read them any stories. I said good night and shut the door. Logan proceeded to burst into tears. Caleb tried to comfort him. Twenty minutes later with much apprehension Caleb came out of his room to ask permission to read a story to his brother so he could stop crying (with lower lip trembling I might add...did I ever feel like an ASSHOLE!). Instantly a lump the size of Utah took residence in my throat and I told Caleb he was very sweet for wanting to make his brother feel better (we must be doing something right!) and that I would read them a story instead. I apologized to both of them, tried to explain why I had been so short with them, and then gave lots of hugs and kisses to make up for it. Thank God little kids are resilient and have short-term memories for stuff like this. I felt much better today, better than I have in weeks...I finished our thank you notes (they'll go in the mail tomorrow! another weight lifted! yeah!), I spent a lot of time playing with Caleb and Molly (always good for the soul), I tackled a pile (one less thing to feel guilty about!). Hopefully, tomorrow will be just as productive.
I would love to say that I'm back in the swing of things but that is completely not the case. Hanging there? Absolutely. Merrily rolling along? Hardly. I have a love/hate relationship with the month of January. I love it because it's my birthday month (it was back on the sixth. Happy birthday to me!! I'm 33!) and hate it because of the anxiety I cause myself with the guilt of my disorganization and procrastination...for instance: I've had a package to send off to a friend for MONTHS now...just when I think I'll be able to mail it, I think, "oh, wait I have that other thing to tuck in and then I'll send it." and the box continues to sit. At this point the box contains her birthday gift, and miscellaneous bits and bobs, Halloween stuff AND Christmas stuff. My procrastination knows no bounds.
When Caleb went into the hospital I hit a bit of a tail spin. I was taken aback by the entire thing. We knew Caleb had asthma, but it was VERY mild and one little breathing treatment always fixed his problem. We had no idea that a severe asthma attack was even a remote possibility or that a freaking cold could trigger that severe asthma attack. That was pure STUPIDITY on our part. We couldn't get in to see Caleb's allergist/asthma specialist until after the first of the year so I drove myself insane googling asthma related information while we waited for the second to roll around. All the not knowing was driving me bonkers. I had nightmares every night. I was up checking on him three and four times a night. I've never had a panic attack in my life and I'm pretty sure I had one during this period. I'd like to avoid having another one if at all possible. Once I had a chance to sit down with the specialist and ask all my questions and get all my answers a weight was lifted. Seriously...when I left his office I could breathe again. We now have an action plan. I know what to look for and I know how to try to fix it. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER.
I have been a severe rut the last few weeks...honestly, a depression. I'm sure it was spurred by all the stress and worry about Caleb. I had a hard time thinking of much else while we waited to find out what needed to be done for Caleb...my email has fallen so far behind it's overwhelming to look at (hello guilt); the ornament swap is still sitting waiting to be sorted (GUILT! and I am so sorry to all my swappers! I'm working on goodies packs right now so hang in there!); and I have special order jewelry sitting incomplete on my bench (more guilt). Add to this the mountains of shit piled up in my office, on my sewing table, on the sofa in my bedroom and voilà! depression soup. I've been going to bed early, not sleeping well through the night, waking up in the morning has been SO hard...as in my eyes do not want to stay open hard, worrying about Caleb, making no art, taking it out on my kids. It's really been a shitty couple of weeks. HOWEVER, in the last few days I've felt the fog lifting. Yesterday the boys and I sat down and drew snowmen for our thank you notes. I scanned, vectorized, designed, printed and compiled the thank you notes last night. I have to tell you, these little collaborations we do for our thank you notes make me so happy.
Last night at bedtime reality slapped me in the face too...that always helps me to snap out of it. Lynn was at RCIA so I was putting the kids to bed solo and the boys were not cooperating AT ALL. This is relatively rare...they're usually pretty good about bed time procedure. But not last night. My wit's end had long been reached and I couldn't take it anymore. I marched them both into their room, yelled at them for the various things that were making my angry, said prayers and refused to read them any stories. I said good night and shut the door. Logan proceeded to burst into tears. Caleb tried to comfort him. Twenty minutes later with much apprehension Caleb came out of his room to ask permission to read a story to his brother so he could stop crying (with lower lip trembling I might add...did I ever feel like an ASSHOLE!). Instantly a lump the size of Utah took residence in my throat and I told Caleb he was very sweet for wanting to make his brother feel better (we must be doing something right!) and that I would read them a story instead. I apologized to both of them, tried to explain why I had been so short with them, and then gave lots of hugs and kisses to make up for it. Thank God little kids are resilient and have short-term memories for stuff like this. I felt much better today, better than I have in weeks...I finished our thank you notes (they'll go in the mail tomorrow! another weight lifted! yeah!), I spent a lot of time playing with Caleb and Molly (always good for the soul), I tackled a pile (one less thing to feel guilty about!). Hopefully, tomorrow will be just as productive.
posted by Amy at 4:05 PM
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